Your Midweek Update for 06/23/21

Casey is slowly starting to open up and that’s all I could really want at this point. I know I can’t push her to talk about things she isn’t ready to discuss, but if she joins us for dinner everyone once in a while, I’ll count it as a win. I didn’t realize how much I missed family dinners until it was just me sitting at the table. James, obviously, joins whenever he isn’t on a night shift but he did disappear for almost a week while we were getting Casey – while his supervisor was understanding of the situation, he has some time to make up at work.

Strangely, his job as a prison security guard has been the most stable and normal thing this past year and a half (holy shit, has it nearly been a year and a half?). The three of us are fully vaccinated, by the way, I don’t know if I mentioned that. As soon as we were eligible, we went in and got shot. The sooner we did, the sooner we could return to our normal lives. And then Casey got kidnapped. And then we rescued her. And then we got our second dose. It’s been a trying few months.

But anyways, James has been the most stable of any of us this whole time. While the banks were always open, the times when we were allowed in the office kept changing. The same can be said for Casey’s school – one week she’s totally online, the next, she’s expected to be in the classroom bright and early. Now that the school year is essentially over, at least she can establish her own routine. I think that will help her gain some stability.

That’s what we all need right now: time and stability.

Prisons can’t exactly “work from home” so no matter what is going on with the rest of the world, James can count on his shifts to be the same thing day in and day out. But with a lot more hand sanitizer – for him. I’ve been informed by James and a few commenters that the majority of prisons in this country have been absolutely inhumane when it comes to handling the pandemic.

I’m not surprised and yet I’m still disappointed. I could use that to describe most of the things that have happened this year. Apparently, I need to my lower my expectations. Or… people could step the fuck up. Hmm. Continue to disappoint me or do the bare minimum of human decency.

Only one of those will get you killed.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 08/12/20

The house has become a rather unusual place over the last few weeks. Between inviting Heather into my home out of some (deserved, I suppose) guilt for ruining her life, Casey having to go back to school, and James back to work full time, there hasn’t been a real sense of normalcy lately.

Also it’s my birthday today. 43 years old and no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life other than murdering people and taking in strays.

If only either of those things was a viable career option.

And we have been killing a fair bit, lately. 2 or 3 people per week (which was my average at the peak of my obsession). It’s not always as a family – I do still enjoy my private time – but the time we do spend together, the four of us, is really nice.

Like this most recent murder.

Actually, it was a pair this time. Two joggers at the local park, not wearing masks, flipped off Casey when she suggested that they should. A little girl. My little girl. They had to go.

I let Casey take the lead since this was obviously her kill but James and I were there every step of the way, to guide her through what technique she wanted and the best tools for the job. It was comically easy to get to them since all we had to do was follow them home and sneak in the back door while they were resetting the alarm.

Usually, we would take them back home but this seemed like the quickest method to get what he wanted – plus it gave Casey some practice on improvisation and using her surroundings. She knows what we have to kill people with, but what can she use to strangle someone or peel off their toenails.

In a show of irony that I was very proud of, she had us all don masks (including our belligerent couple, whose masks were also stuffed tight so no one could hear their muffled screams) and then she started at their toes and worked her way up. With each limb, she would alternate between a hammer, a meat tenderizer (I told you, they were excellent tools), and a pair of tweezers she kept in a bowl of boiling water when not in use, to break bones, and pull out anything that broke through the skin.

It was innovative, painful, and agonizingly long but the joy on her face filled me with such pride.

I know I’ve said this before, but having someone in the house who really understands what I do, has been a weight off my chest like I never imagined.

The family that tortures together…

Actually, I’ve been thinking about that, as well. I’m a little worried we’re becoming the torture family of our generation. Every few decades (at least), there’s a group of people who terrorize part of all of their country with their murder spree. As much fun as I’m having, I really don’t want to become that family.

It never ends well for the leader.

Still, if you’d looked at that little girl’s blood-soaked face and saw the glee and desperate need for approval, you’d give in to the cultish nature of your family dynamic just to keep her smiling.

So for now, nothing changes.

But damn, do changes need to come soon.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 07/01/20

It has been raining all week. All month, it seems. I’d be worried about flooding if I left my house.

Heather is starting to settle in which is a miracle. She and Casey have formed a mutual respect out of being stuck in the house with me 24/7 and thus have to endure my every attempt to occupy my hands.

Sometimes it’s cooking, sometimes it’s cleaning, sometimes it’s digging graves I’ll never fill. I just need to do something, you know?

The rain has been making it excellent digging weather, the ground is nice and soft. Gardening has been a breeze. Did I not mention that I started gardening? Cause why not. Just a couple of vegetables in the corner of the backyard but I’m excited about their progress. I’ve never been much of a grower or nurturer. Sure, I had the kids but they were already half-baked by the time I adopted them. Sandra was only a little younger than Casey when she first came to live with us.

Even then, she was mature for her age. I saw how much she wanted to protect Jason. The amount of babysitting I did for those kids, I saw them grow into these loving, independent people who never stood a chance. They were screwed from the day they were born but they made the most of it.

I miss them. I miss the life we could have had together. Our lives could have been so different.

You know what else rain is good for? Murder.

It’s not as good as snow but it’s a good warm weather substitute. Rain softens the ground which can make it difficult to hide your tracks, yes, but it also makes digging and moving incredibly easy. There are so many bodies buried under soft soil that get lost to time and mother nature. Rain makes people reckless, too. Unlike snow, people are more convinced that they can survive a little rain. So they run with their head down, or speed through the intersection, or offer to share an umbrella with a stranger who later stabs them with the pointed end of said umbrella (because if companies are going to make it that sharp, that’s on them).

It’s incredibly easy to play at being helpless when it’s raining. Especially in a heavy downpour. And I don’t necessarily mean the sexy “oh can you help me start my car, I never noticed my t-shirt was wet” kind of way. Although that got me a number of kills during flood season when I was 24.

People are a little more exposed when they’re caught out in the rain. Their only instinct is survival. Get to the nearest dry spot. Escape. It’s easy to lose sight of one’s surroundings when you’re so focused on one task.

There’s also something about the aesthetic that gets me going, too. Again, not as much as snow, but any precipitation can be beneficial to my cause so I love it all. Picture a heavy downpour, late evening, you’re running towards a bus stop, seeking shelter. Just before you reach the sidewalk lit by a streetlamp, you feel a blinding pain at the top of your spine. You fall to the ground just outside of the safety of the bus stop and bleed out on the ground as you lose feeling in your limbs. Your eyes are open, you can’t move them, and you see a bus pulling up as it’s required to do so. But they can’t see you lying outside of the streetlight as the rain pours down around you. You’re not found for another twenty minutes, when a stranger finds your dead body soaking the sidewalk with your blood. It washes down the storm drain, erasing all trace that you were ever there.

It’s about the aesthetic.

You cannot deny that sometimes, you just do something because it looks pretty. And that is perfectly okay.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/10/20

Man, I miss people. I see my husband and my…Casey all the time. And obviously I see the people I kill. But I haven’t had a conversation with someone in so long. Having Heather here has turned out to be good for both of us, as predicted. I feel less lonely and I think she feels less alone. She is far from okay but she’s not alone.

That’s what 2020 has done to all of us: we accept the bare minimum because we have to. And how fucking depressing is that?

On top of that, it doesn’t feel right to kill at the moment. I could go out at night and slash the throats of people I believe deserve it. But it would feel empty.

I am quickly growing tired of the constant back and forth between angry and sad. I hate feeling powerless and that’s where I am.

The only think I know I can do is be there for my friends and family. So I am going to take care of Heather, and I’m going to teach Casey, and I’m going to kiss my husband every time he walks out that door.

Heather and Casey still haven’t quite warmed up to each other. It’s like they don’t know what to think of each other. I’ve told them about the other – as much as I thought appropriate – so they knew where the other was coming from. But they don’t talk to each other when I’m not in the room. And I realize I’m talking about a fifteen-year-old and thirty-something woman, but I want my best friend and the closest thing I have left to a daughter to get along. That’s not a hard ask, is it?

And I feel like I’m trying to do it alone because James is gone. I don’t blame him at all, I just miss him. Especially because these days at home are so long, it feels like forever. He always comes home with interesting stories, though. There’s a woman who chopped up her husband and stuffed him in the freezer 10 years ago and they only just recently found his remains when a neighbour went to help put away groceries.

Gotta admire her. There is a lot of stamina involved in dismemberment. It’s very rarely a clean first cut type of job. Takes time and muscle to get through that much bone and tissue. If anything, that woman is ripped.

Stories like that are keeping me afloat. A little. But being with him is better. I think it’s been weeks of him crawling into bed at all kinds of late hours, passing out before his head hits the pillow. I never thought I’d be glad that my husband left the police force but I’m strangely glad that he’s working overtime as a guard. I will put up with missing him if it means he’s safe.

I just wish he was safe at home and I didn’t feel like I was dealing with Heather and Casey all by myself.

Maybe he’ll have a good story for me when he gets home.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/20/20

Okay. I’m over it. I’m over feeling sorry for myself. I’m over watching cooking shows all day to come up with ways to make dinner interesting. I’m over waiting for something to happen. This is my life at the moment – restless and frustrated at the unknown. And there’s nothing to be done about it so I’m just going to keep living my life.

I’ve started looking for online temp jobs. Obviously, not a lot of places are looking to hire someone at the moment but the internet never takes a break – though it probably should sometimes – so I’m sure there will be something for me to do so I can earn a little extra cash. Once this is all over, I can work on finding a more permanent position since I didn’t really have time to between the move and James’ injury and the whole global pandemic of it all.

I’m also taking Casey out at least once a week so she can do her thing. It’s sounds like I’m walking a dog but I’m actually fostering a serial killer. Honestly, the death rates are so high, I don’t think anyone has noticed we’re fudging the numbers a little.

She’s doing well; coping with online homework and a bit of restlessness of her own. But she seems to be doing okay. I hope that if there were something wrong, she would feel comfortable talking to me or James. Though James isn’t around much.

He’s back at work fulltime. Still need prison security so he’s got all the hours and he’s working as much as he can for as long as he can.

In their own way things are returning to normal. Or they’re evening out. Either way: things are okay and they will continue to be okay because I said so.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/13/20

The monotony of life is getting me down. I wish I had better news, something uplifting but I have to admit: this thing trapping me inside; I’m not enjoying it. Murder doesn’t seem fun anymore. It just feels like a way to pass the time. How screwed up is that?

I do, I feel trapped. I feel stuck and I hate it.

I live with uncertainties every day. I live with the knowledge that one day I could be arrested or lose my family and I keep going. But this, this isn’t a threat, it’s just a thing that’s happening. And I can’t do anything to change it.

I wish I had a funny anecdote or some strange insight into my life but I’ve got nothing. I almost didn’t write an update because I had nothing new to say.

But you, dear readers, are keeping me afloat.

Every week I write to you – or try to – and it’s not always perfect or coherent but it is something I look forward to every single week. So, thank you, those of you who have chosen to skirt the laws of morality and read my innermost thoughts.

When it feels like everything is falling apart: this is something. I hope it’s enough.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/06/20

People. People are just so dumb. I love it because there’s so many options for me. But…come on, people.

You don’t have to like the government but you need to listen to the doctors who are trying to protect as many people as possible. And you certainly can’t get into violent fights over face masks.

That’s almost too dumb for me.

People can be so self-serving – myself included – I’m just feeling so frustrated because we’re all being punished for stupid people. Only I should be punishing stupid people.

I went out for groceries over the weekend and first of all, oh my god, the line was down the block. There were signs near the front entrance that said we were required to wear some sort of protective wear when entering the store because the facility couldn’t guarantee safe distancing. Okay. I grabbed some gloves and didn’t make a fuss.

But the man in front of me, refused to comply and then refused to leave. He got into a huge argument with the security guard which ended in punches being thrown and then the police escorted him off the property.

People.

I was so angry with that asshole, I cut out of line to follow him a couple of blocks to another store. I waited by his car until he was coming back with a bag full of food and I just stabbed him.

And then took his groceries because he wasted my time.

Stuffed him in his own open trunk and drove off.

That man ate a lot of frozen food. No wonder he was so grumpy all the time.

So we’re eating a lot of frozen pizzas this week but it’s not as though we’re entertaining guests.

I just.

I hate stupid people. Even when they’re easy to kill.

Because stupid people ruin it for the rest of us and make us eat frozen vegetarian pizza.

Monsters!

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/29/20

When I tell you, I love what I do, it is a deep, passionate love for the people who are stupid enough to put themselves in a position to get murdered by a fifteen year old.

Granted, it is a highly trained, highly skilled fifteen year old girl with a passion even I didn’t possess at her age, but it is still so ridiculous.

How many people are still regularly going outside when we are in the middle of a pandemic. And it’s for stupid stuff, too.

Ma’am, you do not need to go to the salon right now. Your roots have been fucked for a lot longer than this, they can wait a few more months.

I mean, I hope it’s only a few months.

Look, I don’t want to focus on all the unknowns. I want to talk about the three people Casey and I have killed in the last week. I know three is a lot, I try to keep it at two, but it is just too easy. I mean there’s so much less traffic, there are so many more empty places to lure people and hide their bodies.

It’s like Christmas, I can’t help but want to treat myself.

Which is why I’ve been allowing myself to take more time. It’s not just to make sure Casey gets to pure the bleach down his throat – which takes some time if you’re somewhat new at it – it’s also so I can really enjoy the look of terror and then resignation when they realize that they will never escape.

I’ve missed it.

And I know, what you’re going to say: Casey’s not new, she’s been killing for months now.

Her first kills – the ones that destroyed my family – they were messy. She’s street smart but she isn’t book smart. She has the passion and the natural talent and the common sense to cover her tracks, but she also needs to be clinical and study. Raw talent will only get her so far. In a way, it does feel like starting from scratch with her because she’s having to unlearn some bad habits. Like control of her stabbing motions. Go too hard or too fast and you’ll tire out quickly.

Speed is important in a lot of murders but so is precision and intention. That’s what I’m trying to teach her. And I suppose now is the perfect time. We’ve both got all this extra time and we might as well spend it doing something we love. What else are we going to do?

If I’m not with Casey, I’m sitting and worrying about my father and that sucks so I’m going to focus on what I can control: murdering people.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/22/20

Some days, you have to actively focus on the positive things.

Cooking is actually going very well. I’m losing my mind and I just got a terrifying phone call but yes, teaching Casey how to cook so she can improve her butchering skills is proving to be an effective distraction method for both of us.

She is showing so much promise lately and I’m so impressed with how she’s picking up these skills and her roasted chicken is actually delicious. I’m so grateful to have her with me in this time of crisis. James is my constant but having someone to share things with and be productive with has been my saving grace. I’m so glad I have the two of them with me right now.

…

My mother called me on Monday. Haven’t heard from her in a while. I assumed I wouldn’t hear from her unless it was extremely important. And I was right.

There was a breakout of COVID at my father’s retirement home. The whole place is on lockdown. We haven’t heard from him which supposedly means that he’s fine. But I don’t know.

And I hate not knowing things.

So I cook with Casey and try not to think about my father dying. It was coming. Obviously. We’d moved him into a home become mother couldn’t take care of him on her own and apparently things were getting worse. But we wouldn’t be able to see him. We can’t see him. I’ve been trying to get through at their reception desk for the last few days but they’ve been overwhelmed with calls.

I’ve been trying not to worry but if I’m being honest, stabbing a dead bird just isn’t cutting it right now. I want to take Casey out on a “hunt” as she calls it.

We both need to blow off some steam and the weather is nice for a change. I’m going to take her out tonight. We’re going to find a victim. And we’re going to test out her skills.

I just need to do something.

I need to physically do something.

We’re going to break the Stay-At-Home rule and make everyone out there wish they hadn’t.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/15/20

I really hate when I have the perfect idea and never get a chance to execute it. And then I come back to the idea a few days later and it isn’t nearly as brilliant as I thought it was.

Pour example:

A wheel of death. Not a torture wheel, more like a game show type of wheel, where victims get to choose their method of death. How twisted and awesome is that?

Literally let people choose how they die. It would be very liberating for about 10 seconds and then they would die.

I could never feel bored or run out of ideas because the wheel would change it up all the time.

I still kind of like the idea but it’s so impractical. You’d have to carry around a wheel everywhere. Plus all of the tools needed for every murder on the wheel. Or, I’d have to resort to only kidnapping my victims and taking them to the location that has the wheel and all the tools. It’s too complicated and leave me too vulnerable. Maybe next time I catch someone, I’ll have them pick a number between one and five.

But I don’t trust myself to be honest about which number I choose. What if I just really want to poison someone but they choose hanging? That would take the fun out of it.

I’ll have to keep thinking of ways to incorporate choose-your-own-adventure-style murder. There’s got to be a niche for it.

Anyways, I am still bored out of my mind and restless. At least I’m getting some government money since I’ve had zero luck getting a work-from-home job.

Casey is also climbing the walls but I’m getting her to vent her frustration and sharpen her knife skills (pun absolutely intended) by learning to cook. We’re watching YouTube videos, we’re making all of our meals from scratch instead of out of a box. It’s actually been really good for us. We’ve had a chance to talk about her and what her real life was like. To hear her describe it, things we difficult because she had these urges and thoughts and no idea what they meant or what to do with them.

I understand exactly how she feels. I didn’t exactly grow up in the most nurturing household. I had to learn how best to serve my own needs by myself. I tried not to pass that same feeling of isolation onto Sandra and Jason with varying degrees of success.

But with Casey, I may actually get to do something right. I can help her.

Good things can come from this isolation and world crisis.

The murder wheel is not one of them.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/08/20

I had a dream about murder that I want to tell you about. I fully understand that I’m having these dreams because I’m under stimulated but what are you going to do? I have no excuse for leaving the house except for the bi-weekly grocery trip which I am taking full advantage of but it is not enough. 

Especially as the days feel longer and I’m slowly running out of things to do.

I hate knitting.

I know I said it would be good for me to stab things other than people but I get so bored just sitting there. So I’ve been watching workout videos.

And doing them. I’m also participating in the videos I’m watching.

I’ve been cleaning the house like crazy.

I just need to do something.

So yeah, I had a dream that made me really miss the old days even though it’s only been a month.

As soon as I can’t do something, I really, really want to do it.

So. My dream.

There’s a woman across the street and she’s leaving the gym with a small yellow duffel bag. She’s drinking from a black water bottle and chatting to someone through her headphones. I stay across the street but follow close behind her. She heads in one direction for a few blocks and then stops at a florist shop on the corner. I take the opportunity to cross the street so I’m right outside the door when she exits with a dozen orange roses. I remember thinking something like: I want to paint the roses red. I follow right behind her for maybe a block before she suddenly turns around and stares at me. That’s how I knew it was a dream because she looked like Charlotte. I still think about the Westburns sometimes, and all the damage they did to my family. But she wasn’t Charlotte, she just looked like Charlotte. She said something but it just sounds like noise. Garbled and far away. But it didn’t matter because I just grabbed the flowers out of her hand and ran into the alley. And I then I got to the end of the alley and I was surrounded. I turned around and threw the flowers down as she caught up to me. She said something again but I couldn’t hear it – she was probably yelling at me for stealing her roses and running away. And then I had a rope in my hand. I squeezed it tight and my hands started to bleed. There were pieces of wire sticking out of the rope all over. Jagged and sharp. Even though my hands were still bleeding I threw the rope around her neck and pulled her close so I could get a better grip. The rope started to turn red as I squeezed her tighter and tighter. She wasn’t resisting though. She just stood there as I strangled her. It made me angry so I threw her up against the wall but when her head hit the brick, she smiled at me. My hands were all torn up at this point, I don’t know that I could even feel them. And she wasn’t fighting me so I kept banging her head against the wall. It was hurting her. It was killing her. I heard her skull crack, I saw blood and hair on the brick behind her every time I lifted her head to go again. But she wouldn’t stop smiling at me. After what felt like hours of hit her head and squeezing her throat, she finally collapsed at my feet. Her eyes were wide open and she was smiling but she wasn’t moving. I watched the blood swim from her head and turn the gravel a dark red colour. And then I looked over at the flowers and they were withering away but they weren’t red like I wanted them to be.

And then I woke up to my alarm.

Because a consistent schedule is supposed to be good for your mind, body, and soul.

Don’t know what the fuck that dream was, though.

I keep thinking about it. About my hands bleeding, and the woman smiling, and the orange roses. I don’t know what it all means but it sure was something.

Anyways. I miss murder, but I also clearly have something else going on. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe a dream is just a dream.

Who. Knows.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe (Seriously)