Wednesday 27 October 2021

Your Midweek Update for 10/27/21

I never cared about my father. I hate my mother – I think that should be quite evident by now – I feel a very strong emotion towards her. But I don’t feel anything for my father after he’s left the room.

When I’m around him, I can feel stressed or irritated or alone. A lot of times I felt alone. The man had this ability to look at you and suddenly you’re a child again. He didn’t yell, he just looked and you… scolded yourself.

I always considered him the lesser of two evils. I knew how to handle his inspections and his judgement and his perfectionism. The weird stoicism despite never being in the military. On a scale from one to my mother, he was her partner – her human counterpart. And she needed a human counterpart.

My mother did a lot of horrible things in her life (not the least of which was giving birth to me and my sister). I don’t think she possessed a single maternal instinct. Everything she did was to maintain her image, her idea of what a perfect family looked like, and if you didn’t match it then you were left behind.

That’s how my sister ended up in prison. That’s how my father ended up in a home. That’s why I did everything in my power to keep my kids away from her. From them.

Because he was almost as bad as her. He didn’t stop her – he never tried. I don’t think he saw what she did as wrong.

Two kids lost their childhood and their mother, because of her actions. One lost their life, the other lost their family. My mother destroyed everything that was not perfect in her eyes, including her own flesh and blood.

After everything she did, I was not going to let her take my family. What I have left of a family. Because, of course, she tried.

On Thursday evening, I got a visit from social services. A woman came to the door and wanted to see if I was a fit mother. We were fine, we always are, we talked our way out of it. But I couldn’t help wondering why she’d come in the first place. We forged her adoption paperwork so no one was assigned to her case – hell, Casey barely exists on paper and that’s only so we could get her into a decent school. I checked in with her teachers two weeks ago and they all reported that she was slowly coming out of her shell. Casey herself was starting to open up again. Hell, I even invited her on my first kill without my cast on.

The social worker told me that she’d received a phone call from Casey’s “concerned grandmother”.

When I called my mother, she confirmed that she’d called social services. Somehow, she found out about the kidnapping and murders – or at least the official version where Casey ran off with her mysterious boyfriend for over a month but came home once they’d broken up – and she blamed me for raising a rebellious child. According to her, she didn’t want me to “screw up another one”. As if everything that happened to Sandra was my fault.

As if I don’t blame myself for it every day.

She tried to take my daughter away from me. She called me an unfit mother.

It’s been a long time since I’ve blacked out and woken up covered in blood. The cleanup never gets easier. I never did find that missing ear.

Oh, my parents are alive and well – or as well as they can be living up north in some seniors’ home with no family or friends. As near as I can tell, I slaughtered a man who worked at a mechanic shop – or he bathed in motor oil. How I came across him, I have no idea but given the lack of attached body parts, I guess I had fun.

I don’t think I’m capable of killing my parents. I’ve thought about it – many, many times – but I can’t do it. Even I have my limits.

My sister, on the other hand, does not. I don’t know how long she’ll be in hiding but when she returns, we’ll have a nice long chat about who’s really to blame for Sandra, and Jason, and Casey.

My sister and I have come a long way since I first got custody of her kids when it comes to understanding our relationship as guardians. Sandra and Jason were out kids.

But Casey is mine. And if my mother tries to take her again? I think I’ll have to learn to be like my sister.

Family is the most important thing and you don’t mess with family.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday 20 October 2021

Your Midweek Update for 10/20/21

 Sometimes I fantasize about being a murder couple. The kind who feed off one another's urges until there's nothing but madness between us. There's something so incredibly erotic about existing in the darkness with another person who sees you completely and loves every twisted part of you. Not just loves you but thrives off knowing you're being satisfied by someone else. Participating and watching and pushing to make sure you're getting what you need. 

I don't know how else to explain it: killing together is so fucking sexy.

It's the ultimate expression of trust. To show yourself and to see someone in a way that you both know is wrong but with each other, you can be open and vulnerable knowing they love you completely. It's sexy. 

That's it. That's the only word I've got for it. 


Of course, I've thought about inviting James fully into my world, but I know it's not for him. He has his own brand of madness and I love him as he is. And we've played with our food together plenty of times, I'm not worried about being vulnerable around him.

I admit, I enjoy relinquishing that small semblance of control when we're together. Letting him choose the victim, following his instructions when it comes to torture and dismemberment, feeling his eyes on me as I slowly sink my knife into another man's flesh - knowing it satisfies him to know I'm satisfied. Even if we aren't participating in the same way, we are sharing this dark and intimate thing. How can I complain?

Besides, the madness of two always ends in tragedy. Our insanity is beautiful because it's complimentary. If we were the same, I know we would end up hating each other - or the world - and then the romance would be over. 

And I never want this dance to stop. Not with him. Not ever.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Monday 18 October 2021

Excerpt of The Horror Film Killer by Michael J Bowler

I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the THE HORROR FILM KILLER by Michael J. Bowler Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours. Check out my post and make sure to enter the giveaway!

Wednesday 13 October 2021

Your Midweek Update for 10/13/21

 It's off, it's off, thank fucking christ it's finally off!

That's all I've been able to think about for days (in case you hadn't noticed). I just want my freedom back. I've been injured a few times over the years and every time, I am absolutely miserable because I just need my fucking freedom. 

I hate feeling helpless and these weeks when I'm in a cast and immobile and the pain meds have me so lethargic I fall into a depression, it's feels pretty helpless. 

Thank god for my husband or I wouldn't have been killing either. Six weeks without murder, can you imagine? I think even when I was going through rehab, I was only out of commission for four weeks at the most. Maybe I'm misremembering my time in a mental institution overcoming my addiction and psychosis related to murder. 

Either way, I have been clawing the fucking walls off, waiting for the all-clear from the doctor and now it's finally here.

Well... sort of.

The cast is off, which means I'm able to move around more independently, but I still have a few weeks of physiotherapy so I can rebuild the muscle. So I'm back! ... but it's a soft back. Which is okay because I have spent six weeks having my husband basically bring me drive-thru murders and I am so ready dine out again. Even if it's just sitting inside the McDonalds instead of in our car in the parking lot.

This metaphor has gotten away from me a bit. 

The point is: my cast is off and I'm happy about it. Is it the answer to all of my problems? No. Is it enough for now? Abso-fucking-lutely.

Am I swearing too much today? I'm going to blame Linda in HR. She swears like a fucking trucker and it's definitely rubbing off on me.


As is her filthy sense of humor.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Monday 11 October 2021

Excerpt of The Fortuna Coin by Karen Ann Hopkins

I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the THE FORTUNA COIN by Karen Ann Hopkins Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours. Check out my post and make sure to enter the giveaway!

Wednesday 6 October 2021

Your Midweek Update for 10/06/21

Sometimes it’s hard to write. That should seem obvious but this platform is for me to talk about my experiences so I’ll share them here. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I just don’t want to write. Sometimes I don’t want to do anything at all. Sometimes it feels like there’s so much going on in my head that I’m weighed down by it. And I’m just… I’m so tired.

These last few days have been really hard. Not for any particular reason. I’m just tired. But I can’t rest because it’s fucking Wednesday and the days are moving so slowly and yet, I have no idea where the time’s gone.

I hate these pain meds, by the way. If I haven’t said twelve thousand times already. I feel like shit all the time. But I also can’t feel the bones in my knee fusing back together so I guess there’s that.


Words are really fucking hard right now and so much of my life is just words. That’s all we are: just stories and other people’s words and trying to put words to our feelings and experiences. But sometimes there are no words and you’re just stuck as this concept of a person with no control over your own existence. You’re just going through the motions without any realization of who and what you are. You’re completely powerless. All because you’re too tired to find the words. So then what are you if you have no words?

God, I hate these fucking pain meds.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe