Wednesday 30 December 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/30/20

What a fucking year it’s been. I honestly couldn’t tell you everything that’s happened – that’s why I write all of this down, so I don’t have to remember – but I know things are different from when this year started. I have a new career, I have one less friend, I’m slowly overcoming my paranoid anxiety, I’m learning to let go of the people and things I can’t control. Of course, I miss Jason and Heather (in very different ways) but I can’t bring them back by wishing. If Jason wants us in his life again, he’ll let us know.

James and I are…okay. You know when you get so used to saying something that it becomes habit even if you don’t entirely believe it? That’s sometimes how I feel about James. It feels like he’s always been a part of my life and I have always loved him. I say that even though I think…

I don’t really know who he is as a person. I know who he is to me, I know who he is to Casey and the kids, I know his role in the world. But I couldn’t tell you what his favourite tv show is – I don’t know that it even matters but it occurred to me as I was reflecting on the year. There’s a very specific reason we don’t talk to his parents that I will never share on this blog (I will tell you that if I could: their bodies would be found hanging from six separate trees in the middle of downtown. They don’t get to hide).

He’s always been his own person and I love him for that. There’s a lot of reason’s I love him but there’s all these little things about him that I don’t think I could name. Things that maybe don’t matter because we’re connected by the big things.

Things have become stagnant between us, that’s for sure. We’ve been coasting for a little while now and I understand why. Raising a psychopath, murdering another, restarting our lives in the middle of a global pandemic. We’ve been busy.

Maybe this year, I set some resolutions around rekindling our relationship. Strengthening our relationship wouldn’t be a complete waste of time. I’d really like it, actually. I want to get back the couple who had sex on the kitchen floor, who’s idea of foreplay was picking out a victim to murder in the garage before going out to a fancy dinner. Not a lift before kids (because we definitely did all of that with Sandra and Jason in the next room) but a life separate from the kids. A life separate from work and stress and obligation and fear.

Just the two of us.

I want my husband back even though I’m the one who lost him.

This wasn’t a very fun update so how about a gruesome fun fact?

A human can survive in a 250-degree heat (Fahrenheit) for about five minutes before their lungs would shrivel up and the liquid in their body would boil. They would literally burn from the inside out.  

Something I was thinking about while cooking my Christmas turkey.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday 23 December 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/23/20

Remember how I was complaining about the lack of snow in my area? Well, I don’t regret it at all. The snow is up to my fucking waist and I am so happy. James and Casey are complaining about having to shovel just to get to the end of the driveway, but I am just so excited to make up for lost time.

All those bodies I can hide. All the death by exposure excuses for the coroner. All the white out conditions that can blindside a victim at three in the afternoon.

I’m like a kid at Christmas.

Speaking of Christmas.

I think this will be the first year in a long time that I haven’t spent it with my parents. Though, I honestly can’t remember what I did last Christmas since this entire god damn year has taken three decades off of everyone’s lives. I can barely tell you what I did a few months ago.

Oh no wait, I can: I was running with Heather all over the country trying to catch a woman that I don’t entirely believe existed in the first place.

Never quite going to be over how badly I let myself believe there were still monsters out in the world. That paranoia and obsession took hold of me so easily but the truth is: I’m still the scariest thing out there. I let Heather get to me because I trusted her and I wanted to believe that there was still more adventure to be had.

James pointed out that maybe I like being in danger. I like having people after me. I asked me if I like being scared. I was going to tell him that he was crazy for even thinking it but honestly… it was just nice to have something to do. You know, I was going stir crazy all year, trying to piece my family back together after Jason left. Having this other thing to focus on – this villain outside the home – helped me refocus.

But I still can’t remember what I did last Christmas. As it is: my parents can’t come over so it’ll just be the three of us. I want to reach out to Jason (even just a phone call to wish him a Merry Christmas would be better than not seeing him at all) but I don’t know where he is.

I could find him, if I wanted. I could track him down and confront him or make him come home. It’d be very easy.

But he left for a reason. And I will not lose another child if I don’t have to.

So this year, it’ll just be the three of us. And it’s enough.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday 9 December 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/09/20

Where the fuck is all the fucking snow? The only thing I was looking forward to doing this winter was dismembering bodies and hiding them in the snow to be discovered in the spring. Imagine people waking up one morning in March to discover the city has blossomed overnight with limbs and heads and intestines. Like a garden of gore.

Fuck, I’m really disappointed about this.

I don’t know what it’s like for y’all, but usually this time of year, I can’t leave the house with less than three layers on. I am used to complaining about living in the cold but enjoying the snow because it means I can freeze a body and leave it to be found later. I’ve talked about this many times. If you’ve been following my journey for a few years you know that I love going on rants about how great snow is for murdering people.

Precipitation is a killer’s best friend.

But this year, for whatever reason (please note the sarcasm in my typing), I haven’t had to wear my winter boots once this season. I haven’t had to break out any of the heavy gear, the temperature hasn’t dropped low enough to warrant pouring the road salt.

Now, I’m not complaining about the weather.

Well, I am.

But I’m not mad about how warm it is. I’m mad that there’s no snow.

I understand the juxtaposition. Let me be mad about this. This is something petty I can complain about that has no actual bearing on my life or the lives of my family. It’s new. I like it. I like getting to be a petty bitch sometimes and complain about shit completely outside of my control so I can go back to my life and deal with the horrible things that are in my control but suck so much.

And lately, that feels like a lot. It feels like there are a lot of things that are big. And maybe I can make a difference but everything is hard and everything is huge and there’s no end in sight to any of it. The one thing I was looking forward to was some familiarity in the winter. Having some hope that things can be normal again (if that’s even a thing). If this is the new normal, I just need to know so I can move on and actually figure some things about. Because right now, it feels like I’m just making do. I’m getting tired.

And on top of it all: there’s no fucking snow.

This wasn’t a really funny entry.


As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday 2 December 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/02/20

Is it horrible that I miss Heather?

She deserved to die for betraying my family but now I have no one to talk to. Is it better to be right or to be lonely? That’s the question we’re contemplating this week, I suppose. Not for long, mind you (I’m tired) but it is worth pursuing.

I claim that I make no exceptions. No one is beyond scrutiny and if they hurt me, I remove them from my life. Some might say that’s a healthy way of living: cultivating your experience and refusing to tolerate those who would take advantage of you. But I have made exceptions.

I didn’t kill my husband. If he were anyone else, he wouldn’t be turning 45 today. But back then, he didn’t matter. He was a no one who knew my secret and yet I let him live. Of course, I made some excuse about needing someone on the inside but the truth is, I was doing just fine without him. I made an exception because I was lonely and I liked him.

I should have killed Sandra back when she just thought she might know my secret. The day I told her the truth should have been her last day on earth but it wasn’t. Instead, she was stolen from me and I lost so much more than a daughter.

Hell, Jason is out there roaming the streets god knows where, knowing everything and wanting nothing to do with this family. They should never find his body for all the shit he knows. But I made an exception.

Does that make me more or less human to have people I care about enough to protect despite their ability to hurt me? Because every day, I wake up and make the choice to keep killing – to keep putting them in danger – because it’s something I want to do.

And then I meet someone and trust them enough to share my secret and at the first sign of betrayal, I kill them.

While, I don’t kill them, a fifteen-year-old psychopath kills them.

I suppose the big difference here is that James never betrayed me. Not like this. Would I forgive him if he was the one who’d done this? Would I let him live because I selfishly need him in my life? Is it better to be safe or be lonely?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe