Wednesday 30 September 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/30/20

 As we head into Halloween season (because in Western society, commercial holidays tend to last for about a month each), I want to remind you, dear readers, to be safe and environmentally conscious.

We’re not going to be discussing the current disaster that is my life and instead, I’ll pass on some advice about my favourite holiday. That sounds fun for both of us.

I feel like I’ve talked about the freaks that like to use Halloween as an excuse to be assholes and mutilate people and blame it on society. The creepy clowns and the serial killers who murder for the attention and the fuckboys (fuck boys? Is that one word or two?) who think that terrifying young women is considered a prank. They’re freaks because they don’t understand the holiday and they’re looking for a scapegoat for their shitty behavior.

Now, there is a difference between Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve, Saimhain, all that shit. I don’t know a ton about the origins or the rituals involved, but I do know how to exploit the commercialization of a religious holiday – second, of course, to Corporate America. Maybe equal.

How is that different from the clowns and the attention-seekers and the fuck-boys?

Cause I’m a woman.

But also because I’m not a holiday serial killer. As much as I love My Bloody Valentine and Black Christmas, murder is not seasonal for me. I have to adapt to the different environments throughout the year. Thus, I am better.

The problem with me, though, is that you are never safe. There are no rules to surviving an interaction with me. There are, however, rules to surviving a Halloween massacre/serial killer. Unfortunately, they are sexistly aimed towards women so I’m going to rant about that shit another time. All I’ll say is: don’t walk alone, don’t trust strangers, always check your drink, always keep your chainsaws in the hall closet (if you get that reference, please let me know).

The other part we’re going to talk about is reducing your carbon footprint when it comes to decorating and celebrating the spooky season. This may sound obvious but I’m going to say it anyways.

Go. Natural.

Use real pumpkin and candles. Is it messy? Hell yes. So is life. It’s a metaphor.

Make your costume that you wear to fool the demons. Will you look like shit? Absolutely. But the demons will appreciate the effort.

Decorate your yard with real skeletons. Go to your graveyard – always shop local – or just make your own.

The urge to skin a body and hang it from a tree with the inhuman skill of the killers in Scream, is so strong right now.

But we’re not talking about my real like right now. We are talking about things that are within my control and thus, I’m telling you to hang bodies from your front yard.

Because everybody loves arts and crafts.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday 23 September 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/23/20

The probably with being on the road is having shitty access to wifi. And being stuck in a car with Heather for so long. The woman snores.

Oh yes, we’re still travelling. I’ve left my husband and…Casey behind to live their normal lives and hold down the fort while I traverse the country trying to find the people who want my family dead. Because it’s become very clear that whoever approached Heather (and made her betray me – I still haven’t forgotten about that) was definitely not FBI. The private investigation service led us to a woman with very cute nails. I couldn’t bring myself to ply them off. Until I remembered that they were only this nice because she made money by blackmailing people I care about. So I had no problem breaking her fingers. And her toes. And burning flower patters with cigarettes onto the open wounds.

What? I’m an artist after all.

She confessed that she was hired by another firm which was why she used an outdated card, hoping it wouldn’t get back to her boss that she was moonlighting. That firm had a head office in Italy for some reason, but we found a local branch a few days’ drive. We figured an international investigation service was sketchy as fuck, so we paid a stranger on Craig’s List to pretend to be a potential client so we could scope them out ahead of time.

Seriously, the invention of Craig’s List revolutionized the murder game. If I wanted, I could pay my victims to come to me (and then keep the money because…obviously). Like Door Dash but for Bodies.

It is very much like prostitution, I realize, except my way is better off illegal.

Anyways. Now Heather and I are sitting in a pay-by-the-hour motel room, draining a body because we got all the information we needed from our Craig’s List guy and we can’t exactly have witnesses.

Oh right.

That wasn’t the murder that didn’t go the right way. The one I was going to tell you about last week but my internet crapped out before I could finish writing.

We got a hold of one of the investigators that hired our woman who threatened Heather. He was very nice and told us that they were being paid very well by a woman who wanted to find me. They couldn’t, so they outsourced to the woman who found Heather, who found me. We are so close to the end of this thread. All we needed to do, was find out who that woman was.

And then Heather – fucking Heather – killed him before he could give us a name.

What. The actual. Fuck.

I always wanted a partner in this. That’s part of the reason I love James. I want someone to be in it with me. But not Heather. Not like this. She. She got off on telling me how to kill someone (we know this, and we were dealing with those emotions) but watching her take a burning iron to a man’s eye and then bludgeon him to death without batting an eye.

I should have loved it.

Instead, it scared me. How long has she been able to do that? Was she faking the whole time? When she killed her husband, I believed he deserved it and it was an accident. Was it really?

When I was helping her dump the body, I asked her what happened and she just told me that something took over. That she lost control. But it wasn’t like before, when I could see the fear and shock in her eyes, the fear and remorse ever as she watched with amusement. She didn’t like how much she enjoyed watching me kill. Or at least that’s what I thought that look meant.

Maybe I’ve been wrong about Heather.

I’m almost scared to find out what happens when we finally do figure out who’s behind this whole thing. Who wants me so badly, they’ll jump through all these hoops?

And why am I more afraid of the woman I’m travelling with?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday 16 September 2020

Wednesday 9 September 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/09/20

 I hate autumn. It’s cold like winter, without the snow. It’s gross like spring without the rain. It’s nothing like summer, they just sleep together. It’s an absolutely useless season.

Sure, it’s pretty. And Halloween is my favourite holiday for obvious reasons.

But I’d be perfectly happy with Halloween being a trudge through the snow or a backyard barbeque affair. It’s not the weather that makes it spooky, it’s the fact that I get to hang bodies from trees and people think they’re decorations for a whole month.

Thank god for capitalism.

Halloween is a month away, though, so right now autumn is a useless season. I can’t even pretend to bundle up in a sweater and a mug of apple cider and stare wistfully out the window as the leaves fall, because I’m still on the road trying to track down the people who are threatening my family.

It’s like last summer. Except it’s cold. And I have to share a rental van with Heather.

Why is it that I can never catch a break? It seems like every year, there’s some new crisis or tragedy that affects me and my family. This is nothing compared to…everything we’ve been through. But I’m just tired of it all. I want to find these people. I want to find these people, kill them, and get on with my life.

Why can’t I just murder in peace?

I’ve been thinking about what to do with Heather. On one hand, she betrayed my trust in the worst way. On the other hand, she had, what she thought, were good intentions and she is still my best friend.

Strong relationships are based on trust and forgiveness. What happens when you only have one of the two?

Now I have to share a car with her as we try to track down these people.

We found the address to the private investigation firm and got there easily enough. Except it was an address to an abandoned warehouse. No PIs have ever worked there for five years. It was easy enough to track down their new location but it was a few days’ drive. We got to their new location and from the lobby, Heather was able to identify a photo of the woman who threatened her but she’s currently “out on assignment”. A few missing fingernails got me the information of what her assignment was, which has led us even further from home.

I do not want to be chasing this woman around the country. I want to be with my family. I want to get back to the life we had before.

Before what? I don’t know. So much has happened.

I miss the days when it was me, and James, and Sandra and Jason (ignorant as ever). We were happy that way. And now it’s gone and it’s never coming back. Missing it doesn’t mean I can’t move forward.

Because I have to.

There’s no way back.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Wednesday 2 September 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/02/20

The only good thing about the past few weeks is that I finally have my journals back. I burned every single one of them because this was so much easier when I didn’t have a family to think about. Everything was easier when I didn’t have a family. Not that I regret having these two in my life.

Heather, I could do without at the moment.

She’s not dead yet, for those who were wondering. I kept her in the basement for a few days until I decided I would rather have her alive to fix the mess she made, instead of making her a new mess.

The two of us are going to find the people who tried to blackmail her into betraying my family and very nicely ask them why. Before I behead them with a butter knife.

I haven’t tried it yet, so I’m very excited to see how many cuts it takes to get to the center.

So while I’m dulling my knives, Casey is going back to school on Monday, and James will be back at work tomorrow. There was only so long I could hide everyone where I knew they’d be safe. Soon or later, someone would come looking for those two. Me? No one will miss me.

So, Heather and I are off this afternoon.

I called the number she’d been reporting to (anonymously, of course, come on!) and got the answering machine for a private investigation company about a day’s drive from here. Now, it could be a very strange coincidence, but I’ve only ever had one encounter with a private investigator and I’m pretty sure I slaughtered him and his wife. Whoever these people are, it may have nothing to do with them, but it’s certainly stirring up old, unwanted memories.

If the Westburns are somehow trying to screw me over from the grave, I will be both impressed and thoroughly pissed off.

But right now, I need to shower and pack so we can grab some ridiculously unhealthy gas station food before my 28-hour road trip with my former best friend.

Kill me now.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe