Wednesday 23 March 2022

Your Midweek Update for 03/23/22

Spring is always so messy in my line of work. Muddy footprints, flooded body dump sites, increased visibility. Especially in the first few weeks when the weather warms, I have to be hypervigilant about my every move. Now more than ever.

It hit me the other day how natural my partnership with James really was. I relied on him for everything without ever realizing it. He was just always there. Garbage bag full of body parts ripped? He bought extra-strength on our next grocery run. Left a shoe print at a crime scene? He ‘accidentally’ stepped in it to obscure the tracks. Need to talk to Jason about puberty? He just takes care of it.

He just always took care of it – took care of me – and I trusted him to always be there and now he’s gone. I don’t want to but I miss him. Of course I miss him. He was my partner in all things for ten years and then he decided to fall in love with someone else.

Those were the words he used.

Not ‘slept with’, not ‘have feelings for’, not ‘fucked’. “I am in love with someone else.”

What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? ‘Congratulations’?

He was mine – obsessed with me, beholden to me, MINE – and now, what, the spell is broken? Ten years was enough time and he’s going to move on?

I should have killed him. Should have killed them both. I still think about it, sometimes. I know why I couldn’t. It doesn’t make me any less angry. This thing that was a part of my life for so long is just gone and I didn’t have a say in how or why it went away. I suppose I can control the ‘how’. I’m the one who left. I’m the one who can’t forgive his actions. He wanted to stay, wanted to get over it and keep the family together.

How was I supposed to trust him knowing he wasn’t fully in it?

My entire life is about trust. I can’t trust anyone because I and everyone I love will lose. But I trusted him. I trusted him with my life – with the lives of my children – and fuck if he didn’t throw it in my face.

I’m glad he’s not the petty, vindictive type. I could be sitting in an electric chair right now but instead, I’m in a slightly uneven desk chair that has definitely conformed to someone else’s ass. Even when he’s gone, I am still putting my trust in him. I can only hope and pray that he doesn’t turn me in. Because I still can’t kill him. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.

I might not be his anymore but he will always be mine.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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