Wednesday 18 August 2021

Your Midweek Update for 08/18/21

The world is quite literally on fire and all I want to do is add to it. I’ve always known I was some agent of chaos – if you’ve been following me for even a short amount of time, you must know this about me – but I’ve never wanted to just burn it all down.

That’s a lie. When Sandra died, I wanted to set fire to something and just step inside. But this isn’t the same feeling. This is restlessness and frustration and exhaustion. I’m tired all the time and my limbs feel heavy. The smoke from the wild fires is choking me and I can’t sleep anymore. I can’t step outside without hearing devastating news about some place in the world.

And I want to join in. I want to light a match, I want to add to the carnage, I want to feel something other than hopelessness at the state we’re in. When I kill, it’s for me. Sometimes, it’s for the betterment of society, but mostly it’s for my own pleasure. I do enjoy it. I smile remembering the feelings of bones cracking under my touch. I get wet seeing the terror in a man’s eyes when he finally realizes he is going to die. I am soothed by the sound of squelching blood as I remove my knife from an un-beating heart.

I fucking love murder (again, you should have figured this out by now). But this feeling inside? It’s not excitement when I see a woman walking alone at night. It’s fear. Fear that everything I do to bring myself pleasure is being swallowed up by the world burning itself. No one cares that one person died today because a thousand more are dead. We’re tearing each other apart and when everyone is killing and dying and burning, then I become obsolete.

I’m tired of hearing about so much devastation, I’m tired of breathing in literal ashes, I’m tired of everyone destroying each other. You’re doing it wrong and you’re taking away my job and I’m just tired, okay? There’s so much going on, I can’t feel anything. But the one time I could always feel something was when I had a knife in my hand but now it just sort of feels pointless.

Why murder you now? You’ll probably be dead tomorrow anyways.

My point is: I wish everyone would go back to the way things were so that I can be a monster instead of just another forgotten murderer.

My point is: I’m tired.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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