Wednesday 30 June 2021

Your Midweek Update for 06/30/21

Sometimes, murder is gross. There’s no way around it. People have lots of fluids inside their bodies and more often than not, an easy way to kill someone is by removing those gooey liquids. It’s also true that some people shit themselves when they die (pre and post mortem). It’s not a guarantee, though, despite the weird “common knowledge” that seems to have been passed around over the years.

From my observations: the muscles in the body don’t immediately relax upon death. They actually tend to spasm, which is why people have been known to kick or turn after the lights have gone out. And the processes don’t just stop one the heart or brain have stopped. If they can, they…finish what they were doing. So, if there is food still being processed, it can cause a body to fart or shit or pee as it naturally would – even after death. It also depends on how someone died. For example, if I’ve gutted them, the food processing will stop because there’s nowhere for it to go. If I’ve poisoned you, your body is working really hard to fight that off so it probably won’t have time to finish normal bodily functions.

I’m learning all kinds of things about the human body. From my years of experience and observation, and now, since doing these occasional experiments, it’s all helping me in my work. The more I know, the easier I can kill.

Technology, also has been an amazing tool. Google has come a long way since it was first launched – does anyone remember AskJeeves or am I old? Being able to write this blog without fear of being traced is also amazing. There was a bit of a learning curve when it came to Smart Phones – especially when police learned how to trace victim’s last locations – but I eventually figured that out as well. And now, people have Smart Technology for their medical needs. Which is so cool. I am so happy that the field of medicine has advanced so far that it’s helping people with chronic illness. I know people complain that there’s an app for everything (myself included. I am also an old foggy who complains about technology and “kids these days”) but some of those apps are genuinely helpful.

Anyways, this is a roundabout way of tell you that I murdered a man who had a colostomy bag by using that app.

Kind of.

So, there was this old man on the road. He was being a jackass and walking across the street as slowly as possible and when a fellow pedestrian offered to help, he nearly backhanded the man and started cussing him out in the middle of the crosswalk. Needless to say, I followed him, stuffed him in my trunk, and took him back to the murder den. I noticed he had a colostomy bag with a fancy clip on it. He ended up telling me that his daughter got him this newer product with a tracker that tells him when the bag is full and it’s time to change it. And because none of his family trust him, it also lets them know so they can go and check on him.

It was very easy to turn off the tracker but make it look like it was still active (none of y’all use Airplane Mode enough, especially on airplanes, but that’s a rant for another day). And then I just sort of…waited. I will admit, this was one of the most hands-off murders I’ve done in a while and it wasn’t my favourite, but that man had to die and this was a creative way to do it. You see, once the bag was filled – which only took a couple of hours – his waste didn’t have anywhere to go but back inside. A few hours after that and his guts have filled and are quickly filling the rest of his body. And then they come out the only hole available to them and the man dies chocking on his own shit. Which, while incredibly disgusting, felt a little like poetic justice.

I thought it best he not die inside the murder den, however. After the cleanup a few weeks ago, I was not eager for another session so instead, I loaded him into the car and dumped him on the side of the road no far from where I picked him up. Made it look like a technical malfunction and a horrible accident. And who would suspect otherwise, considering he was a crochety old man with weird technology he could barely understand. So far, I haven’t heard anything about opening an investigation into his death so it seems like the hands-off approach was the right away to go in this case.

I also think I’m becoming immune to the smell of death. After that…incident, anything smells like a bouquet of roses – even a man vomiting his own bullshit.

I don’t tend to talk about these murders because, frankly, they’re just gross, but it’s important you understand that this life isn’t all glitz and glamour. In fact, it rarely is.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe 

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