Wednesday 30 December 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/30/20

What a fucking year it’s been. I honestly couldn’t tell you everything that’s happened – that’s why I write all of this down, so I don’t have to remember – but I know things are different from when this year started. I have a new career, I have one less friend, I’m slowly overcoming my paranoid anxiety, I’m learning to let go of the people and things I can’t control. Of course, I miss Jason and Heather (in very different ways) but I can’t bring them back by wishing. If Jason wants us in his life again, he’ll let us know.

James and I are…okay. You know when you get so used to saying something that it becomes habit even if you don’t entirely believe it? That’s sometimes how I feel about James. It feels like he’s always been a part of my life and I have always loved him. I say that even though I think…

I don’t really know who he is as a person. I know who he is to me, I know who he is to Casey and the kids, I know his role in the world. But I couldn’t tell you what his favourite tv show is – I don’t know that it even matters but it occurred to me as I was reflecting on the year. There’s a very specific reason we don’t talk to his parents that I will never share on this blog (I will tell you that if I could: their bodies would be found hanging from six separate trees in the middle of downtown. They don’t get to hide).

He’s always been his own person and I love him for that. There’s a lot of reason’s I love him but there’s all these little things about him that I don’t think I could name. Things that maybe don’t matter because we’re connected by the big things.

Things have become stagnant between us, that’s for sure. We’ve been coasting for a little while now and I understand why. Raising a psychopath, murdering another, restarting our lives in the middle of a global pandemic. We’ve been busy.

Maybe this year, I set some resolutions around rekindling our relationship. Strengthening our relationship wouldn’t be a complete waste of time. I’d really like it, actually. I want to get back the couple who had sex on the kitchen floor, who’s idea of foreplay was picking out a victim to murder in the garage before going out to a fancy dinner. Not a lift before kids (because we definitely did all of that with Sandra and Jason in the next room) but a life separate from the kids. A life separate from work and stress and obligation and fear.

Just the two of us.

I want my husband back even though I’m the one who lost him.

This wasn’t a very fun update so how about a gruesome fun fact?

A human can survive in a 250-degree heat (Fahrenheit) for about five minutes before their lungs would shrivel up and the liquid in their body would boil. They would literally burn from the inside out.  

Something I was thinking about while cooking my Christmas turkey.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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