Wednesday 26 December 2018

Your Mid-Week Update for 12/26/18

So…Christmas was yesterday. It was nothing like I planned and I absolutely hate when things don’t go according to plan. But I’m standing here…sitting at my desk, working the skeleton shift at work so there are three people here and I am exhausted.

First of all, this was the first Christmas in years that wasn’t spent with my family in my own home. No matter what family we’re currently speaking with and allowing into our personal space, Christmas morning is always spent in my house. While I understand why we had to drive over to my parent’s, I still didn’t like that particular change. Being at home is grounding and the holidays are…not grounding…and I have enough problems going on that others can accommodate me on this thing. So I was away from home.

And I was spending the day with my sister and parents for the first time in many years (considering my sister was in prison for almost a decade) except for the very uncomfortable meal I had last year with her and her parole officer. I don’t know the type of person my sister is – except that whatever her new parole officer thinks, she’s not entirely reformed – and that makes it difficult to trust her. Especially around Jason who seems to respectfully want nothing to do with his family. The big story is that I got more drunk than my sister at dinner but we managed to convince our mother to sign the papers. In the new year, we’re putting my father in a home. Still not sure how I feel about it. 

The other story is that degenerative diseases have not mellowed my father's harsh criticism of his daughters. We were scolded, compared to each other - which you'd think would have been easy considering who we are but you would be wrong - and generally made to feel like children again. Actually, we were made to feel like moody teenagers which I think is worse than children. Children get gifts and feel no guilt when consuming sugar. Moody teenagers get cash - maybe - and get the left over treats. I can barely process all the sugary foods I used to eat but indulgence is a necessity in my life and my father took that away from me. I could have used some moral support.

James had to work yesterday. I understand that there is crime to deal with other than me but I really didn’t like that my husband – my rock – was called to work on Christmas Day and I didn’t see him until early this morning when he climbed into bed. Of course he has the day off today and I don’t which makes it all so much worse.

This particular combination of people celebrating Christmas together hasn’t happened in about twenty years. It was as uncomfortable and unfamiliar as it sounds. Not bad, not dramatic, just…unfamiliar. I hate unfamiliar; it makes me anxious about what could go wrong instead of just dealing with the disaster that’s right in front of me.

Upon reflection, Christmas was likely fine - compared to the disastrous holidays our family has experienced in the past. I just really dislike the unfamiliar and yesterday was made up of moments of unfamiliarity and yet frustrating familiarity which sent me off balance - which is clearly something I am ill-equipped to handle without the help of someone or something.

And now I’m sitting at work, bored out of my mind because there’s nothing to do but I can’t leave the office for a quick boxing day deal because I’m heading the team of people who get to clean out of the offices and rearrange items for the new year. Lots of busy work for an office of people with nothing better to do. Sounds perfect.

This is going to suck worse than unfamiliar yesterdays.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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