When I cut off all ties with my husband and left in the middle of the night, I did not expect to miss him so much. I’m typing this while another man sleeps in my bed – Ben, I know, but he gives good orgasms – and yet, all I can think about his James.
That’s not
even what I was going to talk to you about this week. I was going to talk about
the cashier who was found absolutely butchered in the back alley of a local
convenience store. I mean someone had hacked away at his stomach until his
ribcage was bare and his floating ribs were missing because someone accidentally
nicked them with the knife and had to put them through the incinerator.
Next time,
give me correct change and don’t argue with me when I politely ask you to double
check your work.
But I’m not
even in the mood to tell you about that because after I murdered the cashier, I
called Ben, we had slightly exhausted sex, and as I lay awake after begrudgingly
letting him sleep over, all I could think about was the dumpster in the alley.
I had
initially wanted to throw the cashier’s body in the dumpster. Even if his body
was discovered before trash collection took him away, he wouldn’t have been
discovered the next day and identification wouldn’t have been so simple. I
tried to drag him in by myself but his organs were splashing all over the place
and I was just making a mess so I left him sitting against the dumpster. I am a
strong woman but dead bodies are heavy – especially when they’ve been opened in
the middle. It’s like trying to carry a full casserole dish with wax paper.
A kill like
that would have been a lot easier with a partner. Sure, I could have called
Casey but I realize that she’s only got a few more months of school before she’s
potentially off on her own. It would only been one more month of school but
between the kidnapping and the separation, she has a few grades to make up
before she can graduate.
I’m very
cognizant of the fact that this is around the age where I lose my children. And
if, for whatever reason, she does leave, I will be well and truly alone. My
parents are gone, my sister is in the wind, my husband has broken my heart and
I will be alone.
I don’t
know specifically what it was about this particular kill – beyond having to
admit that I can’t deadlift a bowl of unset Jell-O over my shoulder – but it
the loneliness struck me in a way it hasn’t for a while.
I miss my
partner. I miss having a partner. Someone who has my back when I’m out doing
the one thing that brings me joy. James was my partner in everything and I don’t
know when or if I’ll ever find that with someone else.
Maybe I’ll
ask Ben how he feels about carrying overcooked spaghetti and meatballs in a dollar
store paper plate.
As always,
dear readers,
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