Wednesday 29 September 2021

Your Midweek Update for 09/29/21

I’ve been thinking a lot about dismemberment lately.

There are so many ways to go about it, so many places to start, but in the end, you’re just peeling cheesy bread apart. Warm, gooey, cheesy bread. The kind from commercials that stretches forever and you can see the steam rising through the little bubbles of stringy, delicious cheese.

Mmm…cheesy bread.

There is no restaurant open right now that can deliver to me some cheesy bread and that is a fucking travesty.

Anyways. Back to dismemberment.

There’s an old Greek myth about a serial killer who would bend two trees together, tie a person to both, then let the trees loose. The body would go flying apart and be ripped in half.

I know it’s not entirely realistic but can’t you just see it? Can’t you just picture a man’s torso stretching and peeling and tearing apart? I bet you could hear the screams for miles.

Now, there have been reports more recent than ANCIENT GREECE that describe a group of men catapulting a body apart so there is some precedent for it but I would love to be able to put it into practice. And besides, it’s for science. I’ve been hearing all these whispers about scientists performing dangerous experiments in order to create vaccines, and how it’s unethical – as though most things we know about modern medicine didn’t come from Nazi doctors and prison experiments.

Science and innovation are fucking messy. Why is this news?

That being said, there are some people who may be curious about what happens to a person when they are… drawn and halved (rather than drawn and quartered) and while scientists are all about the “dangerous experiments” this may be a step too far for them. Luckily, I’m around and it’s not too far for me.

What I’m struggling with is the set up. I don’t know what kind of trees they’ve got growing in the ancient world but the trees in my neighbourhood are fucking hard to bend. This weekend, James and I are going to rent a truck and we’re going to try hauling it back with a rope or chain (you know we’ve got both) to see if that’ll give us the bend we’re looking for.

Finding the victim won’t be difficult, but we have to keep everything locked in place while we tie them to the two trees and I feel like so many things could go wrong. Of course, most of those things will still result in the man’s death, but it won’t give us the desired result. The murder is inevitable. I’m focused on the “how”.

See: I’m a scientist.

Can you imagine if I tried to publish my findings in a scientific journal?

That’s not a horrible idea, actually. Most serial killers write to the police or to the press because they want attention. I want to learn – and I want others to learn. The place for that is in a scientific journal.


I’ll think about it.

In the meantime, I’m off to find the strongest chain in our collection.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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