Wednesday 30 September 2020

Your Mid-Week Update for 09/30/20

 As we head into Halloween season (because in Western society, commercial holidays tend to last for about a month each), I want to remind you, dear readers, to be safe and environmentally conscious.

We’re not going to be discussing the current disaster that is my life and instead, I’ll pass on some advice about my favourite holiday. That sounds fun for both of us.

I feel like I’ve talked about the freaks that like to use Halloween as an excuse to be assholes and mutilate people and blame it on society. The creepy clowns and the serial killers who murder for the attention and the fuckboys (fuck boys? Is that one word or two?) who think that terrifying young women is considered a prank. They’re freaks because they don’t understand the holiday and they’re looking for a scapegoat for their shitty behavior.

Now, there is a difference between Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve, Saimhain, all that shit. I don’t know a ton about the origins or the rituals involved, but I do know how to exploit the commercialization of a religious holiday – second, of course, to Corporate America. Maybe equal.

How is that different from the clowns and the attention-seekers and the fuck-boys?

Cause I’m a woman.

But also because I’m not a holiday serial killer. As much as I love My Bloody Valentine and Black Christmas, murder is not seasonal for me. I have to adapt to the different environments throughout the year. Thus, I am better.

The problem with me, though, is that you are never safe. There are no rules to surviving an interaction with me. There are, however, rules to surviving a Halloween massacre/serial killer. Unfortunately, they are sexistly aimed towards women so I’m going to rant about that shit another time. All I’ll say is: don’t walk alone, don’t trust strangers, always check your drink, always keep your chainsaws in the hall closet (if you get that reference, please let me know).

The other part we’re going to talk about is reducing your carbon footprint when it comes to decorating and celebrating the spooky season. This may sound obvious but I’m going to say it anyways.

Go. Natural.

Use real pumpkin and candles. Is it messy? Hell yes. So is life. It’s a metaphor.

Make your costume that you wear to fool the demons. Will you look like shit? Absolutely. But the demons will appreciate the effort.

Decorate your yard with real skeletons. Go to your graveyard – always shop local – or just make your own.

The urge to skin a body and hang it from a tree with the inhuman skill of the killers in Scream, is so strong right now.

But we’re not talking about my real like right now. We are talking about things that are within my control and thus, I’m telling you to hang bodies from your front yard.

Because everybody loves arts and crafts.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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