Wednesday 16 May 2018

Your Mid-Week Update for 05/16/18

Detective Watts: the human embodiment of a yawn, has actually become manageable. I was expecting to have killed him by now but James somehow managed to get him off my back. He still comes around for dinner every once in a while, but we never discuss – what he doesn’t realize is – my case. In fact, the last time I heard them talk about it, he agreed that there was nothing to be done until new evidence surfaced.

It’s so rare that I encounter a police officer who has a healthy relationship with their job. It seems like that’s all we see in fiction – because “by the book” isn’t as engaging as “handsome rogue” and I know that’s true because I married one – but really, the mavericks are severely outnumbered. For that, Gary gets a pass; that does not make him any less boring. I swear, it’s like talking to the real-life version of mashed potatoes. Fine; but so bland. Remember in high school how you sometimes had that one really plain friend so you’d always look cooler by comparison? It’s the same reason bridesmaid’s dresses are stereotypically unflattering. If there were a male equivalent, this would be it.

I suppose I’m not one to comment on odd friendships. Mary, the woman I’m planning to kill in the next year or so, she invited me over for dinner this week. It wasn’t sudden, mind you; we’ve been meeting for lunch and exchanging text messages. We’ve almost friended each other on social media. Things are moving along nicely. What I’m most looking forward to is seeing her home for the first time from the inside. I’ve scoped out the location a few times incase I needed to move my timeline up but now I have permission to enter her home which I hear the justice system is partial to.

If only they knew about all the other shit I pull. For example: arson. Weren’t what you were expecting, was it. In my years as a serial killer, I’ve ignited several fires. I know others enjoy it for other reasons but for me, arson has always been a means to an end. Namely a way to dispose of a body I’ve just stabbed thirteen times.

I know that it’s not uncommon to find a body or body parts in suspiciously lit fires but what about leaving the gas on and lighting a match? Or semi-spontaneous combustion during an intense storm. Fire is more trouble than it’s worth 90% of the time so you have to pick your battles. Like last week: the ground is now soft enough that I could burry a body pretty much anywhere I wanted BUT this man would definitely be missed and a search party would definitely go out for him. It was actually better to just completely get rid of his body and thus: fire.

Like I said, fire is not always the best option but when it is, the smell of burning flesh is not as fun as a campfire, let me tell you. You’ve got to really need/want it.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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