Wednesday 6 January 2016

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/06/16

I’m dedicating this update to the beauty of Mother Nature. She seems to be on my side this week.

Monday was my first day back at work and, as it seems, so were the scum of the city who don’t understand how driving works when there’s snow on the ground. They appear every year and every year I’m always astounded at the idiocy of motorists. It is so rare to find someone who actually drives the speed limit – safely. Either drivers are moving 30 under or 50 over and then wonder why the two of them get into accidents. Or I get assholes who cut me off when there’s plenty of room.

Of course I was late to work on Monday. Of course Heather was there bright and early, wondering what had kept me – or who had kept me.

Ever since the Christmas party Heather has been convinced that something is going on with James. She’s implied on more than one occasion that I’m having an affair. I don’t have the heart to tell her that she’s a little too late on that subject.

Been there, killed that, you know?

But back to Mother Nature’s graciousness.

It started on Monday with the asshole who cut me off. I was understandably outraged and was wholly ready to follow him until I could ask him nicely why he would behave so rudely – while holding up his severed head, of course – but before I could get to him, he suddenly lost control on a patch of ice and ran head on into a lamp post. The post then proceeded to fall over, crushing its victim with a swift and deadly crunch. The only downside to the cosmic justice dispensed on my behalf was the fact that it caused a massive congestion on the road making me late for work and thus incurring the punishment of the gods – re. Heather teasing me about my lover keeping me late.
There are so many days I don’t understand why I keep her around.

The next incident was that night as I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things. I bumped into a woman as she was walking to the check-out isle – and it was an accident, I promise – but she would not calm down. She cussed me out for getting in her way and not looking where I was going and how could I not see that she was there first. You would be so proud of me, dear readers, I was very calm and polite – and when that didn’t work, I simply ignored her name calling. After I finished paying, I happened to follow her out to her car, ready to push her down a flight of stairs or something, admittedly I hadn’t really thought it through. But as I was stepping out of the store, I watched her slip on a patch of ice and hit her head on the curb. She immediately fell unconscious and died from brain damage before the paramedics could arrive. It was tragic, really, that I couldn’t kill her myself.

But the piece-de-resistance came yesterday afternoon when I was again trying to obtain groceries and decided to walk home. I got bored quickly so decided to pick out a victim I could actually kill myself. I had been following a woman in a large overcoat for several blocks when she suddenly clutched her eye and screamed in pain. I looked up and realized that she’d been struck in the eye by a falling icicle. Astounding but not completely unusual. But then I watched her trip over the curb and land in the street only to be run over by an oncoming car. Her head was crushed under the wheel, bone and brain fragments scattering for a few feet in either direction.

I only had to speak with the police about the last one because the driver named me as a witness. I didn’t mind. For once, I had nothing to do with their deaths, I just happened to be there when they killed themselves. I’ll admit it wasn’t nearly as fun as taking their lives with my bare hands but this is a lot less messy.

I wish I could take credit for these kills because I was so excited to get more victims under my belt this year. I just really want to put 2015 behind me. Between Daniel and Sandra and James and my Sister, I just want to move on. And for me, murder is the way to do that.

So yes, Mother Nature is a beautiful thing when it can randomly kill people in the blink of an eye. I just wish she had let me have some for myself.

But don’t worry, I’ll get mine.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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