Wednesday 2 February 2022

Your Midweek Update for 02/02/22

 Not that I normally would but I will not be divulging my location. I've left the city - taken Casey and just left everything behind. All of my belongings are still at the house, I sent an email to my boss telling him I would be taking an indefinite leave and if he wants to fire me, he's free to take all of the belongings in my office and burn them. 

I didn't tell James. Part of me thinks I should have but the idea of talking to him right now - even a phone call or a text - is too much. 

We're somewhere new, somewhere we've never been before, staying at an Air BnB until I can find a temporary job and a place to live. Casey's classes are back to online anyways so it doesn't really matter where we are. I haven't decided how long I'll be gone, or if I want to come back at all. Maybe we'll take off and never go home again. Or maybe we'll go back tomorrow, I don't know. I just know that I can't be there right now without my heart hurting.

I'm making the right decision, aren't I? 

Am I doing the right thing? 

It feels a little like running away but I just couldn't stay there any more. But I know that can't last. He was such a huge part of my life - he was my life - and I don't know what to do without him. 

I miss him but I hate him but I love him but he makes me sad and hurt and angry. 

I wish I could kill him.

Not out of anger just... That's usually solve my problems. But with him, I can't. 

If I loved him any less...

Yes, I read the classics, shut up. It's a phrase that feels fitting right now. If only I hadn't gotten attached. I fell for him just as hard as he fell for me and it makes it all so much harder to untangle our lives when the inevitable parting has come. 

I should have seen it coming but I won't make that mistake again. 

So I've left. Space will help me remember where my true passions are and why it's so important to have no attachments (beyond my daughter - my humanizer). Time will help me forget the life I'm leaving behind for however long I can stand it.

I am weak for him. I was weak for him.

Never again.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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