Wednesday 26 January 2022

Your Midweek Update for 01/26/22

It turns out that ‘who I am without the fantasy’ is a woman dedicated to her work. I’ve been focusing on the day-to-day, trying to build new routines. Right now, that involves waking up later than usual but fairly consistently, showing up five minutes before my shift and leaving five minutes after, turning off my phone and going for a long drive until I get tired, then going back to my motel room, drinking a glass of whisky and going to bed.

Sometimes, I’ll stop in another town – or at least neighbourhood – and kill someone. They’re not particularly memorable kills but they released just enough endorphins to get me through the next day. A stab here, a bludgeon then, I made one woman drink windshield washer fluid before tossing her over a bridge. They’re not my most creative kills but at least I’m doing something. I think that’s enough.

Why does everything I do have to be creative and memorable? Why do I want to be remembered or the best? Why can’t I just… be happy with what I have?

I mean right now, I have fuck all, but in general: am I allowed to be happy? Is that so much to ask? Can I just have one fucking week where my life doesn’t feel like it’s fucking falling apart at my feet?

Why can’t I be happy? I have my job, and my family, I’ve found my passion, I’ve felt immeasurable loss. This means I get to be happy now, right? I’ve earned it. I’ve earned some fucking peace and quiet.

I deserve it. I know I do. So what do I have to do to get it?

It’s clear that I can’t find what I need here. I need a change of scenery – a new environment with no baggage attached.

I need to take Casey and go.

I need to leave tonight.

I need to pack.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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