Wednesday 24 November 2021

Your Midweek Update for 11/24/21

I refuse to admit that I’m getting old but my body is absolutely breaking down. Hips and back and knees – my fucking knees. I am still not at 100% since my kneecap decided to shatter into a million pieces. I’m still going to physio once a week and I have exercises to do at home, for which my husband rewards me every night. And sometimes, everything just hurts. I’m just sore and tired and it makes me worry about the future.

I don’t think there’s a day when I make the choice to retire and yet, I can’t safely continue killing the way I have as a grow older. What? Am I going to be an old lady in a retiring home secretly cutting people’s oxygen tanks?

Actually I can see myself doing that. James and I with our matching walkers, just strolling through the care centre being the cute couple that no one suspects. And yes: James is in every one of my visions for the future. That’s not up for debate.

What is up for debate is when I actually throw in the towel on this murder thing.

I don’t want to. And want to stay this way forever, just killing people, and having sex with my husband, and teaching my daughter to be just like me but better.

At killing people. Not having… grammar is hard!

The point is: I want things to stay the same but my body is a constant reminder that it can’t. And that sucks. Even as I sit and type, my back is killing me and my knee is throbbing. It’s becoming clearer to me more than ever, that I have to choose when to stop before my body stops me.

That doesn’t mean I stop killing – I don’t think I ever can – but it means I can’t keep going out at night, chasing down victims, killing without premeditation. It can’t just be for fun any more because there’s too many unknown variables. I can’t take that risk.


I can’t imagine not being able to do what I love anymore. Choosing to stop or choosing to change keeps me in control. That’s best I can do when I feel like my very being is breaking down.

I honestly don’t know what this change will look like but I know I can’t keep going like this forever. And I feel like I’m starting to repeat myself too much but I just…

I’m sad.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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