Wednesday 27 June 2018

Your Mid-Week Update for 06/27/18

I've always admired the gumption of thieves who do so little research.

If you're going to rob a house, make sure no one is home. Unless you're in the mood to kill - which...I get it - just be smarter.

We had an unexpected visitor over the weekend. James and I were lying in bed reading - genuinely reading; not code for sex. This time - when we heard the sound of the back door opening. Now, that is not an unfamiliar sound. Both of the kids have snuck in and out of the house on several occasions. But a quick look down the hallway told me Jason was still sleeping so James grabbed his flashlight and I got ready for some fun.

Cause here's the thing: criminals are fair game in my books. Genuine criminals who know what they're doing is wrong and still insist on breaking the law not out of necessity are totally acceptable kills. Now, whoever was breaking into our home might have had someone threatening his family; or perhaps he thought that was no other way to make money. But I just don't buy it.

And thus the thief was quickly subdued and tied to a kitchen chair.

Side note: Jason is a very heavy sleeper. That can't be healthy.

Our thief was in his early twenties and acting way tougher than he actually was. I put a knife to his throat and he laughed but he also 100% pissed himself. It happens more than you think - depending on how often you think about the soon-to-be dead excreting.

Which is worst word I could have used for that but now you have the image of what I deal with constantly. So many fluids.

You're welcome.

So...we'll call him Craig...Craig was tied to a chair, secretly terrified but threatenin and cussing is out like he was still in command of the situation. It baffles me how long it took to get him to open up. Two fingernails, a broken nose, and a cracked kneecap - not in that order - finally got him calling for his mother and he admitted he liked my car and thought we might have more “nice shit".

First of all: I love my car but it is a seven year old Kia. You do not break into someone's house for a seven year old Kia. Now that I understood just how misguided he was, I had to sit him down and talk about some of his life choices. I couldn't let him die without realizing how stupid he was.

Of course we then killed him and buried him in our favourite industrial park but I'm still thinking about Craig. What led him to the choices he made.

I wish we'd spoken more. But I was tired and wanted to go back to bed. So we wrapped it up and I got in a few more hours of sleep.

The lesson here is pretty simple, dear readers, don't break and enter and learn what an expensive car looks like.


As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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