Wednesday 13 April 2016

Your Mid-Week Update for 04/13/16

Spatial awareness, Heather, it’s not that difficult. I know from experience that you have mastered the art of walking and talking, and eating, ad chewing gum; why are you having so much trouble this week?

She’s been clumsy and distant for the last two days.

Monday morning, she came in late to work and spouted some excuse about getting tied up on the phone. And on six separate occasions, she missed a phone call coming in from a client which meant I was in deep shit because everything Heather does is my responsibility ever since we both got promoted and she became my personal assistant. And then yesterday, she spilled coffee on herself, she spilled hot tea on another co-worker who had to be treated for minor first degree burns – we’re having a chat with the provider of the scalding tea, that one’s not entirely her fault. And at the end of tax season, my personal assistant nearly shredded all the employee expense reports because she “zoned out”.  I sent her home after that.

I swear I don’t know where her head is this week.

Heather has a lot of faults, most of them involving her personality, but I’ve come to know her very well. I would almost call her a friend, when I’m not calling her a gossiping bitch. But through it all Heather is a hard worker and she’s good at her job. If she’s making mistakes like this, something is wrong.

I can’t imagine her being this inept and unruly of her own volition.

Though she’s not the only who’s been having this problem at work lately.

Fucking Kyle.

He’s a new intern who doesn’t know how to stand still. Every time I look out, he is standing over someone’s desk, trying to strike up a conversation while everyone else is working. I understand that he’s trying to get to know the lay of the land and meet his co-workers but he is very distracting and very spacey. I usually think it’s fine; but seriously, I am pushing a loud, metal cart around the office – because I pull my own weight at work, Rick – and you get mad at me when you run into my cart? That’s not how that works. He actually gave me a dirty look and scolded me when he took a tight left turn and I stopped before I ran over his foot. First of all, I’m your superior by far, and second of all, you don’t get to walk around with that entitled attitude; that’s what we keep Heather around for.

I’ve been jumping between voices today, that’s really weird. I don’t usually do it this much. I suppose I’m feeling especially confrontational today.

Anyways, snot-nosed interns are particularly annoying this week because I’m so worried about Heather.

Honestly, though, you must hear me coming around the corner. My cart is loud, and the floors are cracked – because nothing in this building has been updated since the 80s, it’s always freezing – and yet you blame me because you weren’t paying attention.

It’s the same problem I have with pedestrians: You had to know I was coming; this is not my fault.

That boy is going to get what’s coming to him.

I know better than to kill where I work – I learned my lesson the hard way – but you can bet I took my frustrations out on an unsuspecting pedestrian on my way home. It was…temporary relief.

I don’t know if I’ve talked about my conflicting feelings over vehicular homicide. On the one hand, I hate the anonymity, but on the other hand, I love keeping my hands clean. But this week, I’m craving blood. I admit, I love the sound of bones crunching under my tires but today, I want the squelch of blood between my fingers. If Kyle does one more thing to get on my nerves this week, there will be a blood bath.

I wonder if it would calm him down to see a relative die. I’ll let you know next week, whether or not this little experiment worked.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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