Wednesday 4 November 2015

Your Mid-Week Update for 11/04/15

I’ve killed six people in the last seven days. It’s been…really therapeutic actually. All that red, hot, sticky blood. I really enjoy cutting into flesh and watching blood pour against their skin. And watching the light as it leave their eyes – that last spark of life; it’s practically orgasmic. Speaking of orgasms…

No. I’m not going to talk about James today. He needs his own update and I just don’t have the energy to write one that long.

I sometimes wonder why I’m telling perfect strangers about my love life. I mean, you didn’t ask to hear about my failing marriage and it’s rarely beneficial to tell others about my comings and goings – I’m not usually big on unsolicited advice (see: My Mother).

I don’t know. There’s something oddly comforting in sending my troubles out into the universe. Maybe they’ll come back as solutions. Or they won’t come back at all.


I haven’t been sleeping much lately – for reasons you know so I’m not going to discuss them now – which means I’m restless and unpredictable. On Friday I went for a walk which is usually a bit of a hit and miss kind of night. Late night walks are a great way to kill and have it blamed on gang violence or let it go unsolved but Halloween is filled with people who are anonymous and hyperaware of their surroundings when they’re on the street. In other words: unreliable targets. But nevertheless, I found myself wandering around a neighbourhood not my own in the wee hours of the morning, my only mood music the sounds of dwindling house parties and left over decorations.

Lucky me, I found myself walking down a dark alleyway, drawn in by the sounds of a drunken couple sloppily getting off in the backyard of one of those slutty celebrations of the wiccan holiday. On a whim, I pretended to be an annoyed neighbour asking them to keep the noise down. I was told to fuck off – this is a shouting match over a fence, remember – so I opened the back gate and asked the couple to step away so we could talk. Once we were out of the light, I slit the girl’s throat and knocked the boy unconscious with the butt of my knife before stabbing him five times around his heart – in the shape of a pentagram because I can.

I know a lot of people think you want to kill the male of the couple first because he’s the one most likely to fight back (if we’re embracing stereotypes) but sometimes it’s actually easier to take out the girl who looks like she’s a screamer. I’ll tell you this: if your kill is playing out like a scene in a horror movie, kill the slut first. She’s likely to scream and attract attention whereas the jock is more likely the strong silent type.

Second rule of murder: know your audience. Know who you’re killing – not by name, but by personality type – and know who’s going to find the body. Is it going to be a random person on the street, a parks and rec worker, a neighbour, an annoyed home owner?

The people who know their city the best are the active serial killers in the country. They’re tuned in to the pulse of the city, they know all the inner workings of the municipal system because they can’t get caught by it. If you’re planning on making the career switch, do your research.

Admittedly I learned a lot by trial and error but I don’t want you to take 20 years to get as good as I am. That’s why I’m imparting some of my wisdom. Of course I’ll never tell you all my secrets. There’s a reason I’m the most successful active serial killer in the continent – and that’s not just a boast; I checked. Of course it’s hard to compare when I’ve never officially been labeled a serial killer.

Actually, I don’t know if I’ve ever told you the story of the time in the early 2000s I was called the “White Chapel Double”. I killed a prostitute and one news station compared it to the Jack the Ripper killings so I thought I would indulge them. Ove the course of three months, I played a prank on the city by killing 16 prostitutes before suddenly stopping. I took two weeks off after that to let the dust settle before I went back to my normal programming. It was kind of fun to see all the police and reporters speculate on who I was and why I was doing it.

No one came close.

That was the most satisfying part. No one had a clue. I rarely worry about my secret being found out and when I do it’s easily alleviated.

So I can do things like kill 6 people in 7 days with little to no stress on myself.

That’s what my personal life is for.

I need coffee.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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