Wednesday, 21 July 2021

Your Midweek Update for 07/21/21

I found my old crochet needles the other day. That feels like a lifetime ago, when I was stuck in quarantine, bored out of my mind and looking for something to do. So much has happened since this pandemic started. And I’m definitely not going to be picking up knitting or crocheting or any other sedentary habit, so I’ve been putting the needles to good use.

Do you know how sharp those things are? There are little old ladies walking around with literal knives in their purses.

Not that they could ever find them. Their bags are filled with so many THINGS, I’m surprised they can find anything. Is it a generational thing? My mother does it, too. She carries her entire life in her bag and maybe uses two items all week. I understand the “just in case” mentality (hence why I always carry around a Tide Stick and a nail file – for murdering purposes, I’m not just obsessed with tidy nails and a clean shirt) but it seems so ridiculous to heft these gigantic bags around all the time.

Anyways, I’ve taken to carrying these crochet needles around so I can stab people at my leisure but, unfortunately, I do need to

My brain has completely stopped working.

We took James’ car in to get his tires rotated and the mechanic just left a five minute voicemail explaining that it was ready to be picked up. Wholly unnecessary. If the man didn’t do such good work, I would kill him just for leaving that voicemail. I screen my calls for a reason, Micah, there was no reason to go into such detail. And now I’m distracted and forgot what I was going to say because I was listening to Micah.

Oh right.

So. I want to stab people but in order to make it at least somewhat believable for me to be carrying around these needles, I have to take up crocheting again. Just a little bit – just enough to have progress to show my co-workers and random strangers at cafes while I’m perusing for new victims.

It is so boring and yet so frustrating, I don’t understand why people enjoy this hobby.

But they make such good stabbing weapons.

Sharp enough to pierce skin, but they’re unusually shaped so it makes the weapon harder to identify. A few times, the news has reported that they believe the murder weapon to be an ice pick. Sometimes it’s a medical needle. One time, they said it was an alien straw.

I don’t know how credible their source was on that one but it certainly hurt everyone’s credibility during the investigation.

Point is: needles are super fun weapons and if it means taking up the most boring hobby in history in order to keep using them, I will put up with it… for now. Who knows, I’ll probably give up next week because I’m fickle and variety is the spice of life.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

No comments:

Post a Comment