Wednesday, 6 January 2021

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/06/21

I had a dream that I missed writing this week’s update. That’s where I’m at, currently. I have stress dreams about not doing this completely voluntary thing even though this is not the thing that should be causing me stress.

Honestly, things are pretty good right now. I know it’s very cliched to say that, because as soon as I do, something massive and world-changing will happen like it’s the fifth season opener of a tv series no one is entirely sure should be renewed for a sixth.

The calm before the shit storm.

But I mean it. Things aren’t amazing but they’re okay and after last year, okay is exactly what I need. Casey is back at school and James and I are committed to more date nights (though we had to make Casey swear that she wouldn’t go out and kill anyone on those nights until she’s a little older). She’s more than capable of looking after herself but there’s just too many variables if we’re out and she goes off on her own without any backup. I can do it because I’m stupid and I’ve been doing this a little bit longer than her.

Longer than she’s been alive. I hate that thought.

My work at the bank is boring but keeps me occupied and gives me a fairly steady schedule which, again, after my year, some stability is ideal. I’m not thinking about the mystery woman, I’m not going to try and reach out to Jason, no one knows Heather was with us when she went missing. The three of us can move forward without fear of the past.

I’ve really jinxed it. Shit. Well, whatever hell I invite upon myself, I know I’m not alone.

Which is why it felt so odd this morning to wake up with the thought: I missed writing the update. I miss updates all the time. It’s my blog, I could stop writing it any time I wanted to. After all: this is the most damning evidence against me since I got rid of the diaries (though admittedly a little harder to trace). It would probably be in my best interest to completely erase any trace of my life from the internet.

But the truth is: I need this outlet. As much as I know some of you enjoy reading my murderous exploits – and some of you still think it isn’t real – I’m writing all of this for me. To be completely honest and open, to share everything about my life knowing there’s no one else I can tell. I love my husband but he doesn’t know what it’s like inside my head. The need to kill. He’s seen it and he understands it, but he doesn’t comprehend what it’s actually like to live in my head. Casey is like me. Her brain is hardwired to take and to play. But she’s a fifteen-year-old-girl. It’s been a long time since I was fifteen and there are some things we can never share because I am, in essence, her mother.

I don’t want to call myself that. I was a mother to two beautiful children who weren’t mine and as much as I loved them (and they loved me), it ended in disaster. I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love Casey deeply. I’m just not ready to give my heart away like that. Not yet.

The point is.

The point is, there are things I can’t share with the people closest to me so I write it here, for you dear readers to peruse my mind. And maybe you’ll see a bit of yourself in here and know that you’re not alone. Or maybe you’ll convince yourself that this isn’t real and give in to your macabre fantasies that you tell yourself you’d never act on.

But I know that every one of you have wondered what it would be like to punch someone in the face for no reason. Staple someone’s eyelids shut. Gut someone from noes to toes and drain them like you were preparing an animal for feasting.

Most of you will never, ever know what it’s like to see the light drain from a person’s eyes but I know for a fact, that I am no alone in my desires.

So, I’ll let you live vicariously through me, surrender to your baser wants without having to get your hands dirty.

It’s a symbiotic relationship and I’m happy for it to remain as it is. So long as we both still need each other.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe 

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