Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Your Mid-Week Update for 02/13/19

Casey, Jame's daughter that no one knew about until a few weeks ago, has officially moved into the house.

I wasn't expecting the drastic changes that would be involved.

We had to completely clear out Sandra's bedroom. It took a while after she died for me to go in there but I had packed up all of her non-essentials and donated or threw them out. But her memories - our memories - were all still in there. But if another girl is going to be living there, I couldn't leave her things out. So James, Jason, and I spent last week slowly packing her things in boxes (or taking them for ourselves) and emptied the room of any trace of my daughter.


Casey is only a little older than Sandra was when she first came to live with us, except I didn't raise her. I don't know her. I don't know how to deal with her. I don't know what kind of risk she poses to my way of life and my family. James has brought a wild card into this house and it's making me question every step I take. I'm killing as normal but I'm hyper-aware of my routines and timing when coming or going. I refuse to change my life but I also haven't had to cover my tracks at home in over a year. Since Jason discovered my secret, I've finally been able to relax and not take as much care when coming home late or sneaking a victim into the garage.

Side note: I might have dropped a victim's ear in the snow and I haven't been able to find it so that's going to potentially bite me in the ass at some point.

I don't even know what Jason thinks of all this. Sure, he'll be moving out soon - so he says - but this is still a huge change for him and I have no idea what having a new barely-relative in the house will do to him. What even is she to him? His aunt/adoptive mother's husband's daughter. Step-cousin/sister? Is that a thing?

It feels like an 80s sit-com when I talk about the family hi-jinks.

And then there is James who has been coping with the realization that he had a daughter and missed a lot of her major milestones. She turns 16 this year; there's a lot that's happened and he's reasonably upset that he didn't know he was missing it.

I cant imagine what my life would have been like if he'd known. He would have stayed with this other woman and raised his daughter and I love that I believe that completely. But if we hadn't met, I wouldn't be where I am today. I certainly couldn't have raised the kids without him, I wouldn't have made half the kills and gotten away with it.

This girl who has dropped into my life from out of fucking nowhere, is a reflection - a reminder - of the life we all could have led if things were different. And now she'll be with us for a while.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've just been thinking and stewing and wondering what my next move is. I've been spending a lot of late nights and early mornings wandering around looking for that missing ear.

And on top of all that, this teenage girl has lost her entire family and I cannot imagine what she's going through. At least the kids had me and - god forbid - my mother. She has strangers. Bound by name only. She hasn't really left her room except for the kitchen and the bathroom. She starts school next week - the same school she already attended (we weren't about to add a new school on top of all this) - so she'll at least get out of the house.

I don't know if I want to really get to know her. Is that bad? I don't know what she needs or who she needs me to be. She just lost her mother, I won't be a replacement but can I still be a part of her life in a maternal fashion?

Now isn't the time to make a decision like that. Now, we take it one day at a time. And search for ears.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

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