Your Midweek Update for 01/19/22

I thought I saw Jason the other day.

I was picking up some groceries on my way back to the motel, and I just caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, standing in the dairy aisle. He had that shiny hair and ratty green coat that I know he took when he left. And for a second – just a second – I thought I was seeing my boy again and I felt this panic in my chest.

What if he still resents me? What if he wants nothing to do with me? What if he screams and throws things and tells the whole world that I’m a terrible mother?

I don’t know if it would hurt more to know the truth or to never have my fears confirmed. To just sit in “plausible deniability” for the rest of my life, all the while knowing in my heart that I failed him.

More than anyone else – more than Sandra, more than Casey, more than my sister – I failed him because he doesn’t know… who I am, who we are, and he still hates me.

So, I hid.

I followed him around the grocery store for what must have been twenty minutes before I finally got a good look at his face. It wasn’t him. Of course, it wasn’t him. He promised that I would never see him again and I believe it. But I still let myself hope. I enjoyed the fantasy for a little while. That’s what this all is: this blog, my family, my life.

It’s a fantasy.

I can write whatever I want and you’ll believe it because you have to. I kill because it’s an escape from the things that are weighing me down. And my family is a strange amalgamation of people who choose to be together out of necessity. We don’t want to be together; we have to. Because being apart is so much worse.

Sandra is gone. Jason is gone. Heather is gone. My sister is gone. And now James.

I feel my fantasy slipping away from me.

I don’t know who I am without it.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Excerpt of Compustible by Al Riske

I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the COMBUSTIBLE by Al Riske Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours. Check out my post and make sure to enter the giveaway!

 

Release Day for Blood and Fire by Kim Mullican

I am so excited that BLOOD AND FIRE by Kim Mullican is available now and that I get to share the news!

If you haven’t yet heard about this wonderful book, be sure to check out all the details below.

This blitz also includes a giveaway for a kindle courtesy of Kim, & Rockstar Book Tours. So if you’d like a chance to win, check out the giveaway info below.

 

On Sex and Communication with Victoria Rogers

I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the THE WITCH AND THE DREAMWALKER by Victoria Rogers Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours. Check out my post and make sure to enter the giveaway!

 

Except of Justice at Sea by Christian Klaver

I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the JUSTICE AT SEA by Christian Klaver Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours. Check out my post and make sure to enter the giveaway!

 

Your Midweek Update for 01/12/22

I don’t want to talk about it.

I can’t talk about it.

Let’s talk about something fun.

Like the time I hit someone over the head with a champagne bottle and then jammed the jagged edge into their chest and tried to pull out their heart like I was separating an egg yolk.

Emphasis of tried, unfortunately. It was incredibly difficult to remove the broken bottle once I’d thrust it deep enough to hit the heart. Plus there’s all those pesky bones in the way trying “protect the major organs from damage” – annoying – so I didn’t go straight for the heart. I actually stabbed them in between their ribcage and thrust upwards.

I definitely latched on to something squishy but it just would not budge. So disappointing. Can you imagine if I’d been able to remove their still-beating heart by the jagged-edge of a bottle? It would have been so fucking cool.

It still was. When a dog-walker found them, they were draped over a fence with the glass protruding from their chest. The crime scene photos looked like a god-damned painting. James brought some home for me to see, he was so proud

…

Anyways.

It was a good kill, I was really happy with it.

Fuck.

I DON’T want to talk about it.

I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to feel it, I don’t want it anymore.

But I can’t not think about it.

Every time I close my eyes, I see his stupid face and I wish I could get rid of it – get rid of him – but I can’t. He’s in here – in my chest – he’s a part of me and, like every other organ, I can’t remove him.

Letting one person have so much of my heart was a mistake.

Fuck. 2022 was supposed to be a better year. Our lives were supposed to be getting back to normal.

I can’t fall asleep at night. I’m so tired when I go to work and I can barely concentrate. I need him and yet I can’t stand him. What am I supposed to do now?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Excerpt of Once Upon Academy Volume 2

I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the ONCE UPON ACADEMY VOLUME 2 Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours. Check out my post and make sure to enter the giveaway!

 

Your Midweek Update for 01/05/22

I think some of you believe I don’t have a conscience or morals. I do. I have a set of beliefs that guide my thoughts and my actions. They just might not be the same as yours. I also think that we’re not all that different.

I believe in moral particularism – that there is no one philosophy that dictate your life but, instead, you should make every decision on a case-by-case basis. I believe that you have a duty to yourself before all others. I believe that some people don’t deserve to die but death is the one true equalizer. I believe that promises should be kept – unless they harm you in some way. I believe that family and relationships are cultivated through trust and commitment. I believe that when that bond is broken, it can never quite be prepared.

I have my own set of beliefs but they are beliefs all the same.

I will lie, I will steal, I will rip a man’s eyeball out of its socket and make him eat it, but I will never cheat.

I don’t know if I could describe to you what the real difference is between lying and cheating. Both involve deception and a breaking of trust but one simply cuts deeper when something is gained from that lie. There is something worse about putting your faith in someone and seeing them throw it away.

I’m hurt.

My heart hurts.

I just want to kill something.

But I can’t kill him.

I’ve tried.

That very first night, I had a pillow millimeters from his face but couldn’t do it. We were in the kitchen and he turned his back to me and it would have been so easy to stab him but I couldn’t. I know for a fact that the tire iron in my trunk can crush a man’s skull with two hits. A few pieces of broken bone lodged in his cranium and he would be dead in about an hour. And yet when I went to grab something out of the car, I didn’t grip the iron tight enough. So many poisons I could have slipped into his coffee. So many accidents I could have caused. I want to rip his insides out, hang them on the trees like Christmas decorations, and then light his shell of a body on fire so I can toast some fucking marshmallows. But I can’t light the match.

I’m very good and killing, you know.

But I can’t kill him.

He’s the one person I want to hurt and I can’t do it.

Maybe it was a mistake to get married. It was only meant to be as a cover anyways. It was always a manipulation.

I’ve left. Not forever – Casey knows where I am so she can contact me if there’s an emergency – but just for right now. I can’t kill him but I can’t look at him, either. My image of him is tainted now and I don’t know if I even want it back.

It was a mistake.

A stupid, horrible, painful mistake.

The man who has been my partner for thirteen years and I don’t know how to look him in the eye anymore.

I don’t know what to do without him but I wish I could kill him. At least then it would be over. Because right now, all I’m doing is feeling and I can’t…

I can’t breathe from the weight of it.

I think some of you don’t think I have emotions – that I’m somehow broken and that’s why I kill people. You have no idea how much I wish you were right, dear readers. Emotions seem to be all I have left right now.

My usual sign off doesn’t seem appropriate right now.

But please do stay safe, dear readers. Stay as safe as you can.

Your Midweek Update for 12/22/21

Science is a serial killer’s best friend. Honestly, I can make an argument for all aspects of the education system – except for math but, of course, I decided to become a banker so I still have to retain some of my high school mathematics – but science really has to be on your side in order to succeed when it comes to murder. And not just Forensics, either: Biology, Physics, Chemistry, Computer, Psychology. Depending on what type of murder you’re committing, you’ll also need Oceanography, Archaeology, Astronomy.

I once bought a vacuum chamber off Amazon and used it to trap a man in an air-tight closet and slowly remove the oxygen. He blew up like a balloon.

In space, no one can hear you scream!

Anyway. The science I’m swooning over this week is chemistry. There are so many chemicals you can use to kill people. So many acids, so many poisons, so many “overhearing that the woman at the next table is allergic to olives and dropping enough olive oil in her cranberry juice to make her throat close up” moments.

And there are so many ways of using chemistry to dispose of a body. Burning is good but dissolving is better. There’s the standard hydrofluoric acid – ala the acid bath killer – but there’s also the much more effective alkaline hydrolysis which is becoming more popular among the recently dead and thus easier for me to use as a cover.

By that, I meant alkaline hydrolysis (lye and water heated to about 320F) is a legitimate alternative to cremation and leaves less bone matter behind.

However, I’ve discovered a new method that I am anxious to try – though I know I may never get a chance to.

Sulfuric acid and hydrogen peroxide, also known as Piranha Solution. This baby eats everything. Well, everything carbon-based which (surprise) humans are. I watched a video online today of this chemist dissolving a chicken leg in a few minutes. And I mean completely dissolved – bones and all. The liquid turned this black-green colour and boiled and clung to pieces of the chicken. It looked like a million little piranhas chomping away.

It was so cool!

But this still is incredibly toxic – obviously – and dangerous to handle so it’s not something you can safely piece together from household appliances. You would need to get the proper PPE to handle this stuff which I don’t currently have.

It’s too late to ask James to get it for me for Christmas but maybe there will be some boxing week sales.

But I have been obsessing over different methods of chemical disposal all afternoon because of this video. It was seriously so cool.

I know I’ve got the right hobby because I watched that scientist and immediately thought “that would be so useful for disposing dead bodies – or live ones.” It’s just nice to have my passions reaffirmed since I’ve been feeling less than stellar lately.

A nice little spark of creativity just before the holidays. What a nice gift from the universe.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Midweek Update for 12/15/21

Thank god for snow – it always lightens my mood. It’s finally snowed which means I can go back to burying body parts and letting people die of exposure so they just become another statistic. The familiarity has been so soothing which is sorely needed after the last few days.

It’s not even problems at home or problems with my feelings around murder. It’s my fucking job.

Carrie went on maternity leave and now we’re all swamped but we’re not allowed to work overtime because they’re worried about being overbudget.

WHAT BUDGET?! We’re a fucking bank!

Anyways, my hours have stayed the same but my work has doubled so I am just perpetually exhausted.

Not too exhausted to decapitate a woman with a fishing wire on my way home yesterday. Do you know how much force you need to decapitate a person with a fishing wire? And it wasn’t really a decapitation, I guess. I couldn’t quite get through the bone but the head eventually fell off when I pulled so I think it counts.

And no, you’re not allowed to picture me digging my boot heel into someone’s back while I pull their head off. It was embarrassing enough to live through the first time.

The point is: nothing has been resolved and if anything, I’m more tired than ever. But I did build a snowman out of body parts and left it outside the police station so it’s about finding things you love and things that relax you amidst the chaos of the world.

‘Cause that shit ain’t changing.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe